How did something so fun, initially so benign become so bad? You know, I really do feel alone in that to be honest. Maybe not so much in recognizing the effects but alone in actually stopping.
A lot of people my age (30s now) started out on MySpace, which was incredible. I learned HTML that I still use to some degree today. Then Facebook. Then Instagram. Tumblr. I never had snap chat, but I did my tours on Twitter, now X. There are countless others.
I think it’s redundant to sit here and explain what the initial wholesome purpose of these platforms were(are, was, is?!?) We all know.
But there are two peaks, two changes that I feel dramatically have change WHAT the apps are and what they’ve done to us. And no, it’s not the algorithm but of course that plays a part.
The introduction of the endless scroll. In 2011, Facebook started using it. At that time posts were chronological, so it wasn’t of much consequence. In 2016, Instagram followed suit. 2020 saw the introduction of Reels to Instagram, perfectly timed with Covid. And 2021-2022 on facebook.
I know personally this is when I started feeling very disconnected in a world that was supposed to be more connected then ever.
Reels really are a work of art. The creativity people are displaying, all the power right in their fingertips.. it was incredibly impressive and inspiring. For awhile.
Many will take this declaration, this swearing off socials as an inability to keep up, or an inability to stay relevant. And you know what, they’re fucking right. I couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t make what they’re making. I frankly don’t want to. Ya’ll can have it aalll of it. The more comfortable I have become with that, simultaneously the more disconnected and disillusioned I became. I didn’t want to make that stuff. I just wanted to make art, share it and find new art and artists. But the content being created was being created specifically for the platform, where as before whatever you created could also live outside of that. Reels are like a caricature of art, products, content, life. They fucking DOMinate. Pair that with an endless scroll and now you’re looking at a 7-8hour screen time recap every Sunday afternoon. At least that was the case for me.
A combination of many things, including the stated above caused me to really withdrawal from. In September 2022 I got pregnant. I realized that I didn’t grow up watching my parents, watch their phones.
This feels so crazy to say but what was life like when in any spare moment you actually just sat there instead of pulling out your phone? Think about it. Waiting rooms. Stop lights. Sitting on the couch. Spare moments. Pull that fucker out for a quick scroll. It’s INSANE! It’s CRAZY!!! I didn’t want to live like that anymore. It’s the most normalized addiction I have ever seen. And EVERYONE is addicted. Don’t fucking act like you aren’t. Yes. Even YOU. Please yes tell me that you can resist checking, scrolling.. peeping for two hours? Being totally busy with something else doesn’t count. Can you, in your complete free time, resist the siren call of that blue light?
I had been low key trying to prepare for a social media death for awhile. I made an alias account to run all my business stuff from a long time ago. I would take breaks. But always came back. I really still loved sharing my words, images. It always and still fun in that aspect but I just couldn’t keep away from consuming it.
The early days of having a newborn-7month old was hard. In the middle of the night to stay awake when you’re feeding, sometimes the easiest thing was to scroll. Particularly all the toxic mom groups because who else would be up during the ungodlily times doing what you’re doing helping you feel not so alone, or singular in those shaky waking hours. (ahh yes, the false sense of community) I started doing digital books instead, and slowly spent less and less time. Still lots of up and downs, Relapses really as I weaned myself off.
And then it finally happened. I worked so hard for it.
I wish I could say that it was this complete and miraculous ‘‘everything is amazing and better instantly’ kind of feeling but it’s not. Yet, everything feels… way more normal. Of course, I am disconnected from the going on and happenings with my friends. I know it’s annoying for them to have to be like “well I know you didn’t see this so here’s what happened” This is a small price to pay for me, higher for said friends. But I do feel lighter. More clear. This is not a popular choice, I am distancing myself socially from the norm. I am dissenting. I am refusing to participate. And life will look a little different for me, for the foreseeable future.
The crazy thing is, I still want to write, and photograph and create and share. But I don’t want to be stuck in the matrix of social media. So this is my ultimate solution(the anti social media blog.. lollssss). And it works for me. My art lives somewhere, but I’m not competing. I’m not feeling the need to make or to keep up or like well it doesn’t matter what I do or make bc someone else already did it this way. But more importantly, I’m not wasting time. I’m not scrolling. I’m not consuming the Telemundo soap opera marathon of people I’m friends with on Facebooks lives. Their INTIMATE lives.
It feels fucking good to not want to check. To not feel like I have to fill seconds with a scroll. I have issues with disassociation, and I feel like Facebook and Instagram really exasperated that problem for me.
Healing from burnout definitely plays a part in this, but I feel excited to create again. I make something, write something. I post it, and then I’m gone till it’s time to do it again all from my computer rather than a cellphone.
Again, it’s not some miracle cure where I feel like a super hero. I just feel clear. Many others probably do not feel like social media is an issue and are ok with being on it 24/7 but when I look around and that’s all I see anywhere I go. Adults, kids, every race, every demographic. It just pushes me further and further from it. It makes me feel physically ill when I think about what a hold it has. What power it has.
Hot Take: Guess what. Not everyone needs to know everything about your life all the fucking time. I sound like a boomer but ya know they’re kind of right about some thing(s) The internet has become this open source diary and town hall for everyone. This can be cathartic, help share information in an easily accessible way, be a creative outlet, etc etc but. The longer I’m here the more I feel like, not everyone should have a “platform”. Not everyone deserves one. I honestly believe it’s not healthy to know SO much about people I don’t know very well in real life. DEEPLY intimate, painful and even joyful things being shared via the internet is a flat and very impersonal way to share anything. There are people I don’t speak to IRL but was a witness to their marrages, divorces, IVF journeys, births, deaths, drug relapses, spiritual revalations and on and on and on. It’s unsentimental and in fact, desensitizing. I think there is something to shutting up, taking shit on the chin and getting a goddamn grip. We’ve got to learn how to solider on again. Not telling everyone everything all the time. Everyone has spilled their guts in the name of “transparency” “this is real life” and it’s so fucking tired. We are all commodifying our lives even if we aren’t getting paid for it and it’s really actually insane. This is coming from someone who literally did that. It’s crazy, you guys it’s absolutely crazy.
There is so much more to talk about, in this subject. influencers, motherhood, sharing your children on social media, the impact on body image, and on and on and on. I wish I could fit it all in clearly to this, and maybe those are each essays for another time.
I realize that my thoughts, feelings and subsequent actions in this matter have alienated me from virtually everyone I know. This is radical, this is dissonance, this is a departure from~ just the way things are now~. The irony of sharing this at all is not lost on me, in fact it almost makes me sick to do. I’m not entirely sure my reasoning why.. maybe one last hit? One last ring of validation? Only I can answer that for myself, in time.